} * * * * * *

Some people said that reminiscing someone we’ve lost is not good. Not good for your health, your mental, including your happiness.

I disagree.

I like reminiscing feelings and nuances. It doesn’t mean I can’t live the present moment I have now and tragically being trapped in the past. No, no, no, hell no.

I love the warm tickles on my neck, butterflies in my tummy and my it’s-gonna-explode heartbeat. They’re terrifying yet beautiful at the same time. They’re priceless and somehow can’t be replaced by anything even anyone. Some people and some books and someone out there said that it is only happened once. Once in a lifetime.

I don’t know and don’t even wanna know whether it’s true or not. 

But all those golden moments, atmospheres, nuances and feelings in the past are reminders for me. They remind me that I was happy. I had been in the state of being flying so fuckin’ high, full of inspirations, wild ideas and so positive. Sometimes, what I’ve been missing is the feeling. Hey, wait but I miss you too as in person. I had been that happy and alive. Is it possible to be as happy as I used to be? Is it possible to be as alive as I used to be?

But I realized that feelings, nuances, moments and atmosphere and those intangible things can’t be measured with exact metrics. I can’t compare and should not compare them.

Well, it’s easier to be said than to be done.

Like Protagoras said centuries ago: Man is the measure of all things.

And here I am, I keep reminiscing every detail of you. Not only because I want to, but because I can’t deny that glorious waves of you. They are flowing into my soul, my mind, my head, my heart, my body even my existence. Every particle from this essence. Everything. All little objects in my daily life are whispering your name. So thin, almost unheard but there it is. Harder I try to deny all of them, becoming stronger they are.

Nowadays, I grab a cup of coffee, with no sugar. Every drop is kicking. It always tasted acid with bold bitterness. But it keeps me awake to embrace this blue, blue, blue world. And I almost drown to the bottomless sea.

Good night. Wish you a perpetual happiness whatever your definition is.

Cloudy + rainy Bandung: April-May 2013

Penghuni Jendela

Bandung 0:36.

Semesta,

langit sering menangis akhir-akhir ini. Angin pun mengajak gaduh. Tetapi saya suka esok pagi: biru, bersih, kadang dengan hiasan awan putih-putih. Pagi disambut matahari, hangat.

Ada jendela kosong di seberang sana. Tak terhuni lagi. Penghuninya telah tiada. Tiada tanpa duka. Tiada tanpa harap. Tiada tanpa pesan. Angin pun menyisipkan cerita di balik gaduhnya, ia keluar. Si penghuni itu keluar jendela. Melompat. Terjun. Bebas. Lepas.

Tampaknya ia mengejar bayang. Bayang yang hadir antara semu atau nyata.

Kudengar dari genangan air di gang-gang sempit bahwa ia menerjang hujan. Manusia gila yang berjalan pelan di bawah hujan deras. Menikmati sapaan air langit ke kulit. Membiarkan matanya kabur oleh air.

Tampaknya si gila memang terlalu gila untuk diajak diam. Tidak mampu diam menikmati langit menangis di balik jendela. Ia lebih suka kuyup oleh hujan. Menantang langit sungguhan.

Sebab dengan demikian ia bisa meluruhkan duka.

Pagiku sepi.

Malamku ramai.

Soreku jengah.

Menyedihkan sekali kalau hidup hanya menonton jarum jam berdendang sesuka hatinya.